When your brain is just #done & my newfound love of Furries

I'm pretty good at losing my cool at a ridiculous speed. I practically burst into a tiny fiery ball of frustration with hardly any warning. Like today when my computer decided to stop being a computer and start being my arch-nemesis.

Sign one is Severe Attitude. As in, if you dare talk to me while I am Stressing, I will eat you alive with vitriolic, acidic responses, that are usually questions or monosyllabic. Like this conversation from today:

Mom: You get your own room and bathroom on vacation!
Me: *furiously trying to unfreeze computer* k.
M: Yeah the guy called me back...
Me: Okkkkkkk??????? *does the eye squint thing, as if saying 'anything else to waste my time?'

Sign two is Ignore Completely. This one speaks for itself.

Mom: I'm making hot dogs for dinner.
Me: .....
Mom: or hamburgers, whatever one you want.
Me: .................
Mom: Alright, dinner will be ready in an hour.
Me: ............... !!!!!!!

Sign three, the final sign, is System Shut Down, i.e. loss of motor skills, ability to form complete sentences, and usually, yelling.

Me: *to myself* You stupid, piece of sh*t computer, why aren't you working, oh my god, I'm going to..... UGHHHH. I AM SO MAD, OH MY GOD. I'M GOING TO THROW YOU OUT A WINDOW, I AM SO MAD, I AM SO MAD, I AM SO MAD, etc.

This is then followed by hysterical sobbing.

So, yeah, today was super annoying. I fought all day with my computer, trying to make a video, which in turn clogged up all remaining memory in my computer, which then slowed it down, which then decided to have every app have a pop-up at once telling me my space is full, which led to me dying.

I fixed it. I also ordered an external hard drive in a red-visioned hysteria.

It all comes down to perspective. My life is digital. I mean, seriously. My college major in the 21st century is digital media. I run social media for my club at school. My job relies on digital video and social media. Every paper I've ever written is digital. Once my laptop goes up in flames, I go up in flames.

So, it makes sense for me to freak out, right? Well, not really, apparently. My mom was yelling at me for yelling at my computer which then made me yell at my mom for yelling at me for yelling at my computer. But, I don't think she truly realizes that it would be a Big Deal if my computer died. I would be SOL.

I hate how addicted/reliant I am on my computer, but not really. If it really did bother me, I would find other hobbies other than... well, this. But alas, I'm digi-chic, what can I say.

I went to the furries yesterday. How's that for a segue.

The video I was trying to make earlier today, was a video from the Furry parade for my job. Every year, (since 2006) Anthrocon is held here in Pittsburgh and it starts raining cats and dogs (and bears, and foxes, and birds, and wolves, etc.)

I fell in love with the furries yesterday. They are some the sweetest and nicest people, and this was only from my experience at the parade. I've never seen so many people, so unabashedly themselves. With over 1000 some critters walking the parade, I was truly amazed. I could feel the happiness just radiating off of them. Can you imagine for being mocked and ridiculed for something that is a part of you? Something that brings you happiness?

I loved every minute of this parade. I felt so drawn to them -- so invested and empathetic. The thrill and exhilaration they must have felt with thousands of people lining the convention center to cheer them on, must have felt so special. 

I love the uniqueness and creativity that builds the foundation of this con. There truly is nothing like it. It makes me upset when people recoil from them because they don't know anything about them and they're not willing to learn. It saddens me that people make such hateful and crude assumptions because to them, it's not "normal."

Can you imagine a world where we all were Normal?

I love anyone who wants to break social norms. I wanted to shout middle school motivational posters during the parade; Be Who You Are! No One Else Is You But You! Be The Best Version of Yourself! You Are Special! I felt so warm and bubbly and light that I could float, float, float... Just from the high from the parade.

Think I'm crazy? Go somewhere where you're getting the rawest and most vulnerable version of a giant group of people in their element. Go where you can see people for who they are, without the walls we put up to be Socially Aware. Go and tell me that you don't want to hug every single one of them and also cry.

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm still building my mosaic. I still am figuring out who I am. I am opening myself up to new and different and exciting. I am stripping myself bare and vulnerable, so I can experience newness and freshness, without judgments clouding my thoughts. 

I want to exist in a positive world. I want to exist where people just love and love and love. I want to exist in a world where a girl can shave her head and not be mocked for losing her "femininity." I want to exist in a world where a boy can be interested in makeup and fashion and not be subjected to homophobic slurs and sexuality assumptions. I want to exist in a world where people can wear their fursuits and proudly talk about their interest in the furry community... because, what these all come down to is individuality. Every individual is beautiful and special. Every single one.

At the risk of sounding sappy and guidance counselorly, I'll stop babbling... but self-love is important. I'm working on it. I hope you are too.

Always,

A