Goodbye, London

It’s my last night in London.

I’m sat here in my flat on Brendon street, nestled behind Edgware Road, thinking through everything I brought to London, and making sure everything is packed and my bags are, hopefully, underweight. Praying all stages of travelling goes according to plan, and dreading the feeling of having to wake up at 3:30 in the morning.

London changed my life. I rode The Eye last night with my flatmate, Tara, and I started tearing up. Through this entire experience I thought this experience wasn’t *all that.* I felt isolated, confused, lost, scared, and totally unlike myself. I was lost and trapped and this bustling city was driving me into the ground.

But being on top of London, looking down and being able to name nearly every section and certain buildings, I felt so proud of myself. I conquered a foreign city. I learned a new transportation city, had a rough map sketched into my brain, gave directions to tourists… I lived London. I think back to that romanticized version of London I thought I was going to be experiencing. And on the Eye, that’s the version I saw… the lights from Southbank twinkling in the black water of the Thames, the double-decker busses, zooming in and out of traffic, their headlights forming a glow on the bridges. London is beautiful. But it’s so much more than the postcard. You learn to love it for what it is – a Global city.

Study abroad is a difficult concept to comprehend. You literally take a very small segment of your life and plop it somewhere else, putting your “real” life on hold for a few months. Then, you’re forced to create an entirely new version of you, existing out of a suitcase and a backpack. You meet a lot of temporary people in study abroad. Professors, classmates, administration – people you’ll never see again. The feeling of temporary is inescapable. But you learn to adjust to this temporary life. You learn to embrace the “Do it while you can” mindset.

Coming here, for the first time in my life, I was absolutely terrified. I had no idea what to expect. Travelling with one of my best friends made it survivable. I remember our faces when we sat down on our giant plane in Chicago, bunkering down for the flight. We were so scared… but we’re new people. We’ve experienced so much. We’ve learned so much, I don’t even know where to begin.

And London, it’s because of you.

Thank you, London, for your aggravatingly aggressive rush hour, being smashed against doors and railings on trains.

Thank you, London, for making me feel like I’ve been playing a real-life version of Frogger for the past 3 and a half months.

Thank you, London, for your angry glares at my “loud” American voice on the train.

Thank you, London, for your ninja Spring, growing and sprouting beautiful fountains of colors in your gardens overnight,

Thank you, London, for your no-leash laws in parks, where dogs of every shape and size bound and toddle around, always making me giggle.

Thank you, London, for your delicious cookie section, and enlightening me on the genius idea of dunkin’ a biscuit in your cuppa. (Hail Digestives.)

Thank you, London, for your beautiful architecture and your rich deep history, spanning further than I could ever imagine.

Thank you, London, for teaching me more about myself than I would have ever been able to learn in my comfort zone.

Thank you, London, for making me feel like a braver, stronger, better person. 

Thank you, London.

And for now, goodbye.

Love endlessly,

Abby

I left my heart in Ireland

This weekend I travelled to my Motherland -- Ireland. It was the one country I said I had to go to when I came here. The only country I cared about travelling to.

And it changed my life.

We had a late flight Thursday night, and got into Dublin around 11:15. We took a bus to the hostel (after having met our roomies [but not knowing at the time]) and got there around midnight-ish. And it was the COOLEST place ever. Google Generator Hostel, Dublin. Here, I did it for you. There was music and bar and cool lights and it felt so amazing just to have this lively atmosphere, bursting at the seams.

We went to bed after getting to know our bus-pals, ending up roommates from JMU/IU. They were so nice, and I was just so excited to begin our adventure.

Friday morning we had a walking tour of the city followed by lunch at this pub called O'Neils. I had a DELICIOUS traditional Irish stew, and just for laughs, got a pint of Smithwick's cause it reminded me of my dad (lol). It was so good, and I felt so full and happy.

Then we went to the Guinness Storehouse and I learned the "proper" way to pour a pint o' Guinness. Then, we obviously got to drink it. Even though Guinness is an... acquired taste... one I'm not particularly fond of and it still hasn't grown on me, I downed it anyways.

Then we went to a pub crawl. The highlight of my night was for sure going back to O'Neil's where there were Irish stepdancers and a traditional Irish band. And I felt SO happy. It reminded me of St. Patrick's Day with my family, jumping from pub to pub, dancing to Irish music and listening to the pipes and enjoying the parade.


We wrapped the night up not too, too late cause we had an early start the next day to the Cliffs of Moher.

I was changed at the Cliffs of Moher. How ominous sounding. The cliffs took my breath away. It was so nice to be in the present of NATURE. And not loud busses, bustling people, honking horns. Just the cliffs, the water, and me. The air was crisp and cool on my throat. The sun was beating down, warming my whole body. I felt content. No... I felt alive.

I've mentioned before how I wasn't loving London as much as I had hoped. And I'm realizing now... London isn't my dream city. I've thought it was for as long as I can remember. I'm not a big city girl like I thought I was. Ireland is my happy place.

Though I'm learning to adjust to living in London more and more everyday, it's more of "home base" for me, as Lexi called it. I live there. I study there. I do stuff there. But, I don't think it's my "fit." And I'm happy Ireland was able to solidify that for me.

I've already learned so much about myself these past few weeks. And I'm finally accepting that. It's okay for me to not be entirely thrilled with where I am. And, obviously, I'm not taking advantage of it in the slightest. I don't regret my decision... but because it's taught me about myself.

Standing on those cliffs... looking out at the stretch of sparkling blue water, watching the waves crest and build and break against the rocks... spilling out into foam and being pulled back into the abyss... I realized that this is living. This freedom. This beauty... these are the moments in life that people cherish. I will never, ever forget my time on the cliffs.

I will never forget driving through the Irish countryside, marvelling at the beauty nestled in these tiny, winding roads. The warming feeling of seeing baby lambs, trotting through fields.

I will never forget Galway, and the tiny, Irish shops packed on top of each other filled with beautiful, crafted objects.

I will never forget the bachelor party and drunk Frenchmen we befriended at O'Neil's... learning Gaelic and clapping along to the dancers, just living in the moment.

I will never forget the kindness of the Irish. The acceptance I felt being there. I felt complete.

This isn't an hate letter to England in any means. It truly is a wonderful country... I just need to leave the city and see what else it has to offer me.

Ireland was the happiest I've been in a month. I've been gone for a month. My parents will be here in 2 weeks... and then spring break... and then a little under 50 days. Time is flying. I'm learning to take things day by day.

This weekend taught me so many things about life, learning, and existing. I am so blessed to be living this life.

Here's to Ireland -- you've changed me. Thanks for being happy, drunk, and unconditionally welcoming.

Some kinda sad thoughts

Today I feel weird. I wasn't going to blog feeling like this, but I think I need to start documenting how I feel during this trip more. 

I've been in such a weird mood today. I'm thinking about how everyone has those "excited" moments in their host country when they get there. Pure exuberance. Happiness. Enthrallment. I've yet to have it.  

I think I over-hyped London. I've been obsessed with it for as long I can remember. Everything. The culture. The films. The shows. The music. The literature. And it's letting me down. I had this over-romanticized idea of London since 8-year-old Abby cracked open Harry Potter. 

I'm not really "happy" here. More So just enduring it. And I'm annoyed at myself. I'm annoyed that I thought I wouldn't be homesick. And that I can do well with distances. And new cultures. And change. And all of that. And I'm wrong. 

I wish I could be that person who is in love with everything they're doing during their study abroad experience cause I'm not. I have a few days/moments when I love London. But not enough. Or not enough from what I think I'm supposed to be feeling. 

I don't regret coming. Please don't read this as whiny or ungrateful. I am so blessed and lucky to have this opportunity. I know there's millions of people who would kill for this opportunity. 

I just wish I was feeling more happy. I miss my parents. And friends. And dog. And American food. And pittsburgh. And Oakland. 

I've also been in a weird mood today. So that might be why I'm feeling like this. Also the weather has been kinda crappy. 

Hopefully I will feel better when the sun starts shining more. 

I know I'll love London eventually. And I'm excited to hit that point. 

I HATE BIKES

Helloooooo!!

Mother keeps asking me to update the blog, so here I am. So much has happened since I posted last! For one, I WENT TO PARIS? And that was crazy amazing beautiful. Like, absolutely beautiful. We got up super early and made our way to the international train station and hopped onto the Eurostar and 2 hours later (after going UNDER the English Channel -- cool, engineering!) I stepped onto French soil.

Paris was cool. Very cool. The first night was my oh my god, I'm in PARIS night. We had a really extensive walking tour after checking into our hotel and it was COLD. But I saw so much! In particular, Notre Dame. I can't explain the feeling I had being in that church. I was overwhelmed. I started tearing up simply from the sheer beauty of it. It was massive and so beautifully painted, and the ambiance was so sacred and holy, I felt so special in that moment. There were older women in the pews sitting with their head bowed, lost in prayer. That, matched with people lighting small tea-light candles in honor of loved ones no longer with us, tipped me off the emotionally stable cliff. It honestly was an unexplainable feeling.

We then took a boat tour on the Seine and it was amazing. When I saw the Eiffel Tower for the first time... yep, I started crying... again. It was just so incredible to see it in person. Like... absolutely amazing. Then, as our boat swivelled around, the Eiffel Tower lit up! It was amazing! We also went to the Louve and I saw good 'ol Mona!

We wrapped up some more tours. Then. Oh, then. The next day. We had a bike tour. I have not rode a bike since I was... oh, I don't know... NINE maybe? So 11 years ago? And I'm afraid of bikes... so I learned. CAPA promised that this bike tour was for "all levels." WRONG. So WRONG. I almost DIED. I went OFF-ROADING. I FELL OFF A SIDEWALK. The bike was too big for me so I had to ride a pink and blue bike with a sticker that said PUKEY on it. IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT SO MUCH. I STARTED CRYING. Not because of beauty BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED. This MAN took all 30 of us (in my group... there was 3 groups) onto the BUSY STREETS OF PARIS. Riding next to ANGRY PARISIANS and HUGE TRUCKS. ALSO on busy sidewalks with fashionable grandmas and annoying children on SCOOTERS. And I don't understand how bikes work so I was on the wrong gear the WHOLE TIME. And this stupid freaking bane of my existence tour lasted for FOUR HOURS. I WAS SO ANGRY AT PARIS. But yeah, some girl stopped her stupid bike right in front of me and I had to veer off the sidewalk onto the cobblestone next to the road and I almost flipped off AND I WILL NEVER RIDE A BIKE AGAIN.

We also went to Versailles, and that was amazing. Naturally. I'm sorry these aren't so descriptive, but this was a week ago and I'm tired and I'm lazy. What're ya gonna do.

But, Paris wasn't what I thought it was going to be. By Sunday, I was ready to go back "home..." to London. The trip made me embrace London a lot more. I was very stressed and felt guilty by not speaking French in Paris. I felt safer in London after returning from notoriously famous pick-pocketing Paris. I don't know. It was really nice to come back to London. I felt excited to explore London and start living.

So, that's what I'm doing! I love London now. Sure, it's not, nor will it ever be "home" but I'm so happy I like it now. I hated London at first. I had this romanticised idea of it since I was 8. It obviously is not what I thought it would be. But, I'm finally getting used to everything. I have a system. And plenty of countdowns on my phone.

I'm going to Ireland next weekend! That's going to be exciting. And my parents will be here in 3 weeks! It's flying by. I knew it would eventually. I understand now what everyone means by studying abroad is a "life changing" experience. I feel so different. I've learned so much about myself and my likes and dislikes and what essentially is "me." I feel more myself than I ever have had before.

It's getting warmer here and it's making me feel like London is a whole new city. No more cold, dreary, sad days. With a day like today -- sun beating down, making the whole of Regents Park glisten with budding spring -- I feel more confident. I know I can get through these 70+ days here. SO much more is going to happen!

So, yep. London is getting better!  Lex and I skyped our friend Kelsey today (who then went into Starbucks to see Gabrielle and then we saw Kelly in the street!!) and it made me miss Oakland SOOOOO much. So much. But I know Oakland is going to be there when I get back. And so will my friends. And my family. And everything will be fine!

So, that's what's going on with me! Classes keep me busy Monday - Thursday. Then the weekends, we cram so much in. Friday we did a pub crawl that was full of fun and dancing and LIVE MUSIC. Like, two bands we stumbled upon! Super fun! The last stop on the crawl was this club called Koko and there was this really cool dude singing and we ended up first row cause that's just how me and Lexi run shows... and yeah... it was so nice. I had a lot of fun. Saturday, we went to these huge, massive mall complex and the chilled the rest of the night. Then today we just walked around a park. Super relaxed! First weekend like that since I've been here!

I'm sorry this is so scatter-brained but I'm listening to Sam Smith while texting Danielle (hey, bae) so not really thinking straight.

ALRIGHT. Well, my wrist hurts from the angle I'm typing. So, that's all from London for now!

Lots of love!

xoxo

Finally Adjusting!

There are moments where I have this unnerving wave of, “Oh my god, I’m in LONDON” and everything crashes over me at once. Today I had one of those moments. I was riding the tube in alone to class and sitting there alone, listening to music, watching people hurry on and off, I felt like I was far away. With my phone, I feel tethered to my real life back at home. But, for some reason, I had this surge of the reality of the distance and time. I’m really far away. Like, really far away. I’m here for a long time.*

I’m getting better, though! I feel a lot more confident. I have a system and structure. I’m exploring a lot of this city, both on my own time, but also with classes on field excursions.

I’m realizing I’ve set my standards high. I’ve been obsessed with London for as long as I can honestly remember. Absolutely enthralled with the culture, the people, the longed ambiance… and I’m realizing it’s really not all that. Now, it could be I just haven’t fully immersed myself in this city… or 8-year-old Abby was looking at a canted angle.

London is one of the most romanticized cities in the world. It’s beautiful, it’s breathtaking, it’s unbelievable… but so is Pittsburgh. I’ve learned the value of home after being here. I want American food. I’m a picky eater… way pickier than I thought. And it’s not me being materialistic, which I think is how it’s coming across to a lot of people… I just want mac and cheese, man. And sandwiches without mayo. Or tomatoes. Or tuna. Sure, I’m clumping “food” with, like, Sainsbury’s and Tesco take away **. But… I don’t know. I wish I were more adventurous with food. But, I wish I realized how much I loved home before I came here.

But maybe that’s good. Maybe it’s good that I realized I love being near my family and I need to be close. I love talking to my mom multiple times a day. Honestly… I love being American. I don’t know where this overwhelming pride of being an American came from but here we are. I love the States… 15-year-old me is gagging.

I’ve been to many cool places! Bath… Stonehenge… Camden… Shoreditch… I’m happy our program implements both many weekend excursions, but also in-class ones.

I’m finally getting into the swing of London… we’re finding out how to save money… where to go…  how to relax but also do a lot. I didn’t realize how overwhelming it is to study abroad. There’s several times a week where I’m like, “WHAT did I get myself INTO?”

I’ve actually learned several things about myself. The list as follows:

1. Pittsburgh is a dope (translation for old folks: cool) city. I love you, Pittsburgh.

2. I am very clingy to my parents. I’m basically a baby monkey hanging from my mother’s neck. This is fact.

3. I’m really bad at crossing streets. I may have almost been hit by double decker busses multiple times… sorry, mom and dad… but pedestrians don’t have the right of way here and I go to school in Oakland where we RUN those streets, am I right ladies!

4. I love mac and cheese.

5. I love the city… but maybe not constantly being in the city. I need a nice tree or bird chirp or sliver of grass here and there to stay sane and not have the constant paranoia I am in the way of a really expensive looking businessman or a car.

6. Constant social interaction is not ideal. Maybe I’m not as extroverted as I thought.

7. I’m obsessed with my phone… but I definitely already knew this about myself.

I hope none of this comes off as ungrateful or whiny or annoying or whatever. Hey, you clicked the link! I am so beyond grateful that my parents are able to give me the opportunities I have had and continue to have. I don’t regret coming here in the slightest. But there are bits and pieces that haven’t fully slotted together and meshed with the rest of me yet.

But! Luckily the parentals will be dropping in to good ‘ol Londontown in a month’s time (hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I also found a store today called… wait for it… THE AMERICAN FOOD STORE… and I spent way too much money on two boxes of Annie’s mac and cheese, but HOLY HELL, was I craving it.

I’m meeting a lot of cool people and doing a lot of cool things so! London’s pretty cool.

I’m leaving for PARIS tomorrow morning… yeah…. Paris. How cool?!

But just wanted to let everyone know I’m adjusting (and not crying as much, lol) and also I’m alive and also I’m having fun and also still love over-sharing about my life!!

Okay, I want a Walker’s cookie right now (shortbread, buttery sliver of HEAVEN)

Bye for now!

Xoxo

A

* far and long relative

** American translation: Giant Eagle pre-made sandwiches

Settling

Hi. I'm in London? I'm sitting on my comfortably worn brown couch that's only really scratchy if you put your skin on it. My friend Luke (our neighbor) is stretched across the next one, lounging as Dad Cat. My roommate Ashley is sitting next to me, engrossed in a novel. My other roommate Chelsea is propped against the heater, sipping a cider, and chatting on Facebook. Tara, our other roommate is somewhere in our "flat" (read: tiny living environment, way too small for 5 people.)And Lexi, is updating her blog.

So, yeah, I've finally made it. I've said for as long as I can remember that I wanted to study abroad, and specifically London. After throwing away my life to Harry Potter at that fetal age of 8, I knew I wanted to go to London.

I'm sitting here trying to summarize my almost week here, and it's hard to encompass it all. I've been at the highest and lowest. The day I left, leaving my parents was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The few days leading up, I was incredibly unstable. The littlest things were setting me off. From my dog sitting next to me with his head on my leg, to my mom's warming hugs, I just wanted to take everything from home and plop it down in London. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't regretting my decision to come here. To put it simply, I was terrified of change. I used to think that I was a person who longed change and loved being away from home... but change meant changing my sheets, and being away from home means, like, Indiana... or New York City... all 4 hour plane rides top away from home.

Leaving, I composed myself after going through security (read: I hyperventilated while sobbing as I hugged my parents goodbye.) The whole flight situation was all messed up... between our original flight getting cancelled, to them moving us into an earlier flight... we finally reached Chicago. We had about 20 minutes to regroup and eat something before we got on our plane to London. La de da, 9 hours later, I was staring out the window to England countrysides and the London Eye.

After navigating RIDICULOUSLY heavy luggage to the train... then to a cab... we finally reached our flat. And I was exhausted. Another Abby Lesson was in order -- I used to think I can handle exhaustion and limited sleep well... Oh, how I was mistaken. I wasn't my normal self. Without having 3G, my phone was useless. I just wanted to call my mom. I was on the brink of crying in a Starbucks. The WiFi in my flat is unbearably slow, and I can't pick up a strong feed in my room.

Finally, finally, after a crying session in my kitchen to my mother (Skype premium plan is a godsent) and a pub visit (across the street!) with my roommates, we called it a night. I called my parents and said goodnight and went to bed. And then, I woke up at 2 AM without being able to sleep in the slightest. The mattress, springs piercing my back, was unbearable. My pillows, unshapely and shedding, were leaving kinks in my neck. I couldn't take it. I started crying. I wanted my mom. I wanted my dad. I wanted to be home. I just wanted to see my dog and make stupid jokes with Emily, and Danielle, and Lauren and everyone at home. I hated it. I hated it so much.

I went out into the living room, called my mom, and LOST it. Long story short, after a babbling, ugly crying session later, I calmed down.

I'm gonna skip around here. But yeah, I'm okay now. A lot better! I needed sleep and food and better bedding (I had to buy pillows, I'm sleeping on my comforter, and I bought 2 new blankets... ew.) I've toured so much of London. I've walked literal miles upon miles. I've figured out an entirely new transportation system. Then finally today, I had my first class, a film class and I'm feeling really good about it. I bought a British SIM card so I have 3G. I've accepted that I need to be tethered to my "real" world. I need to be able to text my friends at home at beck and call. I need to be able to call my mom when I'm walking down the street. I just need that. And that's okay.

I've learned a LOT about myself in these past few days. I feel stronger and better and more excited about this semester now that I've settled.

WOW, lots of emotion. Also, apparently using this blog again. And also, this was such a blah, downer post. LONDON IS COOL AS HECK. It's SO big and busy and overwhelming and scary and awesome. Every corner of this city is nestled with a bite of history. You can be looking at a building that your great, great, great, great (x10) grandfather walked into and spin around and be staring at your reflection in a swanky, glass, modern office building. It's consantly bustling and the city ebbs and flows and spills out everywhere. It's mass mayhem. And it's incredible.

I can't wait to sink into this city and blend into its stitches seamlessly. I miss home. I miss my parents. I miss my friends and dog and hamburgers and mac and cheese and my coffee pot. But, I'm excited to fully embrace London.

London's calling.

Paper is ruining my life

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH can basically sum up my entire thought-process for 2014.

I'm at that age where decisions are kinda-sorta having to be made, and classes kinda-sorta need to start going together and money kinda-sorta needs to be, like, saved. WHYYYYY.

Why is money a thing? Better yet, why do we center our lives around PAPER? Real talk: All money is, IS PAPER. WE ARE DEPENDENT. ON PAPER.

So I want to go to a few places that I can't go to (read: Governors Ball.) I'm planning* to study abroad for my Spring 2015 semester, so money is needed for that. But I want to do fun things NOW! Like concerts. Or spending way too much money on fancy... candles.

I'm kinda caught in a weird place between sorta-teenager and sorta-adult. Being 19, I still have important things I need to, like, make sure I'm feeding myself and bathing, but my apartment, education, and all that other important stuff is paid for by my parents. Studying abroad is paid by them, but not spending money. So, as you can see, the fun things come down to my bank account... aaaaaaaand I'm unemployed. The joys of life! Ah.

This weekend I went to NYC for my first time ever. Yeah, ever. It was amazing, wonderful, exhilarating, everything I thought it'd be, etc. etc. And I realized -- yeah, I'm going to live here probably sometime in my life. Probably, like in the foreseeable future. And yes, that's exciting, and yes that's wonderful but I need a lot of freaking PAPER -- of the money variety.

Sidebar: Here's me throwing myself against the 30 Rock wall because emotions.

Life is actually really, really scary. I'm not going to lie, I'm actually terrified of what's going to happen to me after a graduate. I'm sure EVERYONE is, though. I've invested myself in such a fast-paced and paradoxical environment of constant change, I don't know WHAT the Internet industry is going to be like after I graduate. 

Hopefully I can score a really, really cool job in either NYC, LA, London, Somewhere Other Than The Small City of Pittsburgh, or maybe I'll be famous for being myself. That'd be pretty cool.

My parents always tell me I need to stay focused and realize that I need to consider I might never move from Pittsburgh, I might never "make it," I might never be as successful as I want to be. And yes, I get this. But I'm tired of living in the "well, you might"s. Because, quite frankly, they're getting me really down.

I'm going to live in my Internet bubble of social media and video making and reblogging pictures of stupid trees because that's what I like and I want to do what I like regardless of the monetary gain or loss. I'm not tying myself to a tree -- literally. I'm not going to keep stopping myself because of money. Sure, I can't do everything I want to do, like, say drop everything and fly to a different country cause I definitely don't have the funds to singularly do that.

But anyways, this is a really longwinded way of saying that I'm going to start changing my life and do more Internet things featuring italics and be more healthy and happier and screw New Years Resolutions, I'm all about January 22 resolutions.

So, yeah, let's be awesome?

A

* If I get accepted and such**

** I will cry if I don't get accepted. Like, probably until I die. I will cry until I die.

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