Sap

Today I finished my first year of college. I’m 1/4 of the way done with my college career. To those older friends, no doubt, you’re thinking, ‘You still got a loooooong way to go, kid.’ And my younger friends, no doubt, you’re thinking, ‘I HATE YOU. I still have a month.’ And to most, you’re probably like ‘WHO CARES?’ My blog readers care! That’s who cares.

This year has been something, hasn’t it? For those who’ve been with me from the start of the journey, you’ve probably undergone neck rehab to recuperate after that whiplash I gave you -- SAD SAD SAD ABBY happy abby sAD ABBY SAd haPPY ABBY saD. My emotions were off the chart.

I went into college unsure of who I was. I was unsure of what exactly I wanted to pursue in life. I was unsure of my likes, my dislikes. I went into college as a child. I lasted at my first school for not even a full month before I realized that I was not happy.

Those four months of being trapped at a school, 2 and a half hours from home where everyday I was waking up absolutely hating where I was, was one of the lowest points for me. I slipped into this weird depression and hardly anything was able to pull me out. My parents were worried. My friends were worried. I was worried. But enough on that.

Fast forward to now. I’m happy. I love my life. I love my friends. I love my new school. I love waking up everyday to just experience life and that, I think, is so beautiful. 

I’ve realized I’m not a small school person in the slightest. I need crowds. I need my city. I can’t sit around and not do anything. I need to meet people. I need to experience life.

I've realized that maybe my parents are right a lot of the times. Maybe I should have toured the school that I said I was going to go to my whole life, and skip the whole transferring thing.

I’ve realized that I need to stop fighting what I actually want out of life. I want a job in pop culture. I’ve realized that. So I’m going to work for it, skin and bone.

I’ve realized that if I work and work for something I want, eventually, it will come. Life is a lot different than high school, where I had to do the bare minimum to stay on top. 

I’ve realized that it’s okay to accept compliments. I don’t need to feel ashamed or awkward if someone says they like my writing, or my videos, or calls me funny. I used to have this weird ulterior complex where, on the one hand I loved being complimented, but on the other hand, I would become so nervous about keeping my standards that high, and if I didn’t, I’d disappoint. 

I’ve realized what friendship really means.

I’ve realized that I am not a letter grade.

I’ve realized that it’s okay to be stupid and dance around and make dumb jokes because I can. It’s okay to not try to ‘look mature’ all the time. 

College changes you. College changes everyone. I knew that going in, but it can’t really be explained to you. You have to let it happen. And that’s terrifying. You’ll lose friendships. You’ll gain friendships. You’ll gain insight. To some, maybe this will come in small increments. To others, it will be a tidal wave. 

All I know is that I’m finally excited for the future. I’m done with clinging on to the past and trying to plan the future. I’m done with living for others. I need to finally just accept that my life is my life and I need to life it for me. Whats coming will come.

Tonight I was reminiscent on the past summers I’ve had with the Internet. I feel like I’ve fallen out of touch with majority of my Internet friends. But, I know, that even though we all may be at different points in our lives, the Internet will always tie us together, in the same way it brought us together. I’m grateful for every single wonderful person I’ve befriended on the Internet. Friends, subscribers, followers -- every single one means so much to me. It brings me closer to my dream, every day.

This was rambley and cliched, but I needed to get some thoughts down (and pump some life back into this blog. It’s a toddler and bare! [I deleted all my older posts, if you’re just tuning in.])

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reading -- for being a part of my life.

Stay beautiful.

xx

A 

boston

I think we all lose awareness of our very fragile state of humanity. The events that took place in Boston today no doubt reminded us again how feeble human life is. It was very distressing to see it all unfold on the Internet. At first I thought it was a gas explosion or something in the same vein, but nothing too major, nothing too deadly. However, much to my horror, the following hours contained horrific images and information that will be seared into my brain for quite some time.

I don’t want to talk about what happened in Boston, but rather what happened outside of Boston. For starters, this is one of the first events I’ve witnessed that transpired completely on Twitter. Television stations were pulling their information from Twitter. I was watching a live stream on the Internet, whilst the hosts were reading tweets from the Internet. This entire event happened at the hands of technology. It wasn’t just media outlets either. Police scanners were telling people on social media to get information across. Law enforcements were relying on Twitter. For those who doubt that there is a technology revolution, you are sadly mistaken. Today’s events further prove how dependent we’ve become on social media. And I can’t pinpoint if that’s a bad thing or not.

Secondly, tying in with the Internet, today brought the world a little closer. Within seconds, the entire world was notified of what happened. Something that would have taken several hours to produce and broadcast internationally years ago, took literally milliseconds. It builds a sense of community as well. At the gym tonight, the TV was set to CNN and every student in the gym had their eyes on the screen. For a city school, the campus is quiet. We all feel a little on edge.

Sometimes, we get too caught up in our own lives to recognize that life isn’t a guaranteed thing. It’s sad that something like a tragedy has to pull us back into reality. It’s sad that there are people out there that try to take away something so delicate, something so cherished, for unexplainable reasons.

A lot of cruel words are being said. A lot of racism is being spread. But if there’s one thing to remember it’s we’re all human. It’s a redundant phrase, sure, but it holds so much truth. At the end of the day, we all have the same structure. I just don’t understand why more people can’t see that. Every human being is equal.

Today was very conflicting for me. I was almost split in two -- the journalistic Abby and the emotionally attached Abby. After assuring that all my Boston friends were safe, I dove headfirst into every media outlet. I kept a Facebook status running, consistently updating with information that I felt was the most important. I read article after article, watched live streams, scoured for concrete information, but I had to pull myself out of the reality.

Pursuing a career in journalism, I realize that this is material I would have to be covering. I would have to be the ‘bearer of bad news.’ And I’m not sure if I’m mentally prepared for that. I heavily respect journalists.

One final comment I need to touch: the brave heroism that exists on this earth. Every time I lose faith in humanity, something (or someone) will restore the faith. Watching the raw footage of when the explosions went off, it was remarkable to see that people, instead of fleeing from the smoke, actually dove into it to try to help someone, anyone who needed them. So many people are heroes today -- nurses, doctors, race volunteers, police forces. But we also have the brave civilians whose natural instinct was to help. And that is the epitome of a hero.

A lot of what I’ve said is basically rehashing what I’ve said elsewhere on social media, but I couldn’t even finish working out at the gym, I was so bothered by what happened. I needed to put it all down in a blog format. My thoughts are still jumbled, and I'm not entirely sure how to say what I need to say. But I know something needs to change. As I said on Twitter, it’s not science that’s going to be the end of the world. It’s humanity.

Please don’t take advantage of life. It’s something so beautiful, something so wonderful. It can be changed in a blink of an eye. Be thankful for everything and everyone in your life. And most importantly be kind to others. Thank you for reading my thoughts.

Stay beautiful. 

xx

A

Side note: I have deleted my older posts from 2011 forward. I have the major ones saved (body image, nerdfighteria, etc. Etc. If you so have the desire to read one of those? I have it…) Also, thanks to everyone who tweeted me about my last post. That’s what made want to come back to blogging. :) 

Breathing

Today’s one of those day where you realise how old you actually are and start to freak out a bit. Or a lot. I’m currently sitting in this plaza on campus, circled by heavily trafficked streets, but right in the middle is plopped this lovely green patch of grass, with beautiful yellow daises finally sprouting up alongside the sidewalks. Tables are scattered all around and there’s a (really expensive) small grille in the the centre where there’s all these fancy business people sipping on beers and mixed drinks more expensive than the large Starbucks drink I just devoured. There’s also all these smaller kiosks selling food from which origin’s I don’t think I could ever name. Behind me, university students are rushing to class or to eat or to nowhere in particular. The Cathedral proudly stands, jutting out amongst the overcast skies.

It’s a peaceful day.

I’m coming up on my final week (ish) of my first year in college/university/older person school, what have you. What a year it’s been. From starting school, to hating school, to transferring schools, to loving school, it’s been a journey to hell and back. 

But as I’m sitting here, flipping between editing my short story piece and people watching, it’s slightly daunting to think that I’m on this brink and I don’t know what’s below me. My majors are still haphazardly thrown together and I still don’t have a concrete title for what I want as a job. I’m constantly waiting to hear back from a job that would look really good on resumes. I’m trying to organise as much as I can right now to prepare myself to move into my first ever apartment. I have about 14 more months left of being a teenager. It’s just weird. Really, really weird.

I wish I could see myself through someone else’s eyes. What they perceive me as. Why they do. I’m sitting here watching all of these people carry on their daily lives. I’m doing the same. But it’s so different. A lot of people I know are studying things that make sense -- pharmacy, nursing, engineering, computer science. Oh, I’m a journalism and film double major -- well, as of right now. It might change. I dunno, I want to work for the media.

A lot of people think it’s silly, what I want do. You can’t live off of social media. But why can't I?  Where do I want my life to go? Media. Easy. I want to work for celebrities. With celebrities, hell even be one. I love the psychoanalytic structure behind it all. It’s so interesting.

A little girl just walked up to me to complain about the helicopters in the sky. ‘It’s too loud!’ she shouted, shoving her fingers in her ears. ‘Do this with me!’ she begged me as her mom was talking quickly into a phone. I’m going to have children at some point. I am going to responsible for another human being at some point in my life. That’s terrifying as hell. I’m obviously not thinking or worrying about this right now at the point I am at my life because children are far, far, far down the road. But isn’t it weird to think of where we all will be in 5, 10, 15 years?

College changes you. I’ll be the first one to tell you. I know my mantra whilst advising my younger friends is to be ‘prepared for the changes you’ll overcome in high school.’ I can tell you that the jump from high school to college is the strangest change you’ll encounter yet (Unless you lose, like, a limb or something. I’m sorry if that happens. Ouch.)

This time last year my main concern was praying my prom dress was going to fit after it gets fitted. I was hardly doing any work and all I wanted was to put on that stupid cap and gown and get handed that piece of paper that says ‘YOU’RE FREE.’

Now I’m preparing for massive exams, desperately trying to plan out my next 3 years, trying to fit all the requirements to graduate with some sort of degree that also just says ‘YOU’RE FREE’ but now you have a lot of money to pay back.

We spend a lot of time reflecting and worrying. It’s such a beautiful contradiction. We cringe at the past which causes us to worry about the future, thus ignoring the present. Why? The past happened. It’s over. The future is inconceivable. We can’t plan it. Who knows what can happen in a month, a week, a day, hell, even an hour? We’re all victims of our own game.

My dad always used to tell me ‘Ya know, Ab, sometimes you gotta slow down in order to go faster,’ when I was doing my math homework. I’d get angry and throw a pencil at him, begging him to do it for me. I thought it was a stupid phrase. And then I grew up.

We really only have a short period of time on this earth. I’ve finally realised this. I’m doing what I want to do. If I want to spend a lot of time alone, so be it. I don’t need to be surrounded by people. If I find joy out of eating healthily, working out, living a healthy lifestyle. So be it. I don’t need people to tell me I’m wasting my time. Hell, I took a one credit ballet course next semester because I wanted to. Sometimes, we have to YOLO the shit out of our time here.

I’m happy. I’m content with life. Are there times when I’m overwhelmed, or angry, or upset about something? Naturally. It’s humanistic. I wasn’t happy a year ago. The jump I’ve encountered is massive. I’m not Abby the High Schooler. I’m Abby the Young Adult Who Is Pursuing Her Dreams and Is Leading a Happy, Consistent Life.

This Abby is way cooler, anyways. Thank you for reading my thoughts.

I hope you’re having a good day. You only get one April 11, 2013. Embrace it.

Stay beautiful.

xx

A