Sap

Today I finished my first year of college. I’m 1/4 of the way done with my college career. To those older friends, no doubt, you’re thinking, ‘You still got a loooooong way to go, kid.’ And my younger friends, no doubt, you’re thinking, ‘I HATE YOU. I still have a month.’ And to most, you’re probably like ‘WHO CARES?’ My blog readers care! That’s who cares.

This year has been something, hasn’t it? For those who’ve been with me from the start of the journey, you’ve probably undergone neck rehab to recuperate after that whiplash I gave you -- SAD SAD SAD ABBY happy abby sAD ABBY SAd haPPY ABBY saD. My emotions were off the chart.

I went into college unsure of who I was. I was unsure of what exactly I wanted to pursue in life. I was unsure of my likes, my dislikes. I went into college as a child. I lasted at my first school for not even a full month before I realized that I was not happy.

Those four months of being trapped at a school, 2 and a half hours from home where everyday I was waking up absolutely hating where I was, was one of the lowest points for me. I slipped into this weird depression and hardly anything was able to pull me out. My parents were worried. My friends were worried. I was worried. But enough on that.

Fast forward to now. I’m happy. I love my life. I love my friends. I love my new school. I love waking up everyday to just experience life and that, I think, is so beautiful. 

I’ve realized I’m not a small school person in the slightest. I need crowds. I need my city. I can’t sit around and not do anything. I need to meet people. I need to experience life.

I've realized that maybe my parents are right a lot of the times. Maybe I should have toured the school that I said I was going to go to my whole life, and skip the whole transferring thing.

I’ve realized that I need to stop fighting what I actually want out of life. I want a job in pop culture. I’ve realized that. So I’m going to work for it, skin and bone.

I’ve realized that if I work and work for something I want, eventually, it will come. Life is a lot different than high school, where I had to do the bare minimum to stay on top. 

I’ve realized that it’s okay to accept compliments. I don’t need to feel ashamed or awkward if someone says they like my writing, or my videos, or calls me funny. I used to have this weird ulterior complex where, on the one hand I loved being complimented, but on the other hand, I would become so nervous about keeping my standards that high, and if I didn’t, I’d disappoint. 

I’ve realized what friendship really means.

I’ve realized that I am not a letter grade.

I’ve realized that it’s okay to be stupid and dance around and make dumb jokes because I can. It’s okay to not try to ‘look mature’ all the time. 

College changes you. College changes everyone. I knew that going in, but it can’t really be explained to you. You have to let it happen. And that’s terrifying. You’ll lose friendships. You’ll gain friendships. You’ll gain insight. To some, maybe this will come in small increments. To others, it will be a tidal wave. 

All I know is that I’m finally excited for the future. I’m done with clinging on to the past and trying to plan the future. I’m done with living for others. I need to finally just accept that my life is my life and I need to life it for me. Whats coming will come.

Tonight I was reminiscent on the past summers I’ve had with the Internet. I feel like I’ve fallen out of touch with majority of my Internet friends. But, I know, that even though we all may be at different points in our lives, the Internet will always tie us together, in the same way it brought us together. I’m grateful for every single wonderful person I’ve befriended on the Internet. Friends, subscribers, followers -- every single one means so much to me. It brings me closer to my dream, every day.

This was rambley and cliched, but I needed to get some thoughts down (and pump some life back into this blog. It’s a toddler and bare! [I deleted all my older posts, if you’re just tuning in.])

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reading -- for being a part of my life.

Stay beautiful.

xx

A