I left my heart in Ireland

This weekend I travelled to my Motherland -- Ireland. It was the one country I said I had to go to when I came here. The only country I cared about travelling to.

And it changed my life.

We had a late flight Thursday night, and got into Dublin around 11:15. We took a bus to the hostel (after having met our roomies [but not knowing at the time]) and got there around midnight-ish. And it was the COOLEST place ever. Google Generator Hostel, Dublin. Here, I did it for you. There was music and bar and cool lights and it felt so amazing just to have this lively atmosphere, bursting at the seams.

We went to bed after getting to know our bus-pals, ending up roommates from JMU/IU. They were so nice, and I was just so excited to begin our adventure.

Friday morning we had a walking tour of the city followed by lunch at this pub called O'Neils. I had a DELICIOUS traditional Irish stew, and just for laughs, got a pint of Smithwick's cause it reminded me of my dad (lol). It was so good, and I felt so full and happy.

Then we went to the Guinness Storehouse and I learned the "proper" way to pour a pint o' Guinness. Then, we obviously got to drink it. Even though Guinness is an... acquired taste... one I'm not particularly fond of and it still hasn't grown on me, I downed it anyways.

Then we went to a pub crawl. The highlight of my night was for sure going back to O'Neil's where there were Irish stepdancers and a traditional Irish band. And I felt SO happy. It reminded me of St. Patrick's Day with my family, jumping from pub to pub, dancing to Irish music and listening to the pipes and enjoying the parade.


We wrapped the night up not too, too late cause we had an early start the next day to the Cliffs of Moher.

I was changed at the Cliffs of Moher. How ominous sounding. The cliffs took my breath away. It was so nice to be in the present of NATURE. And not loud busses, bustling people, honking horns. Just the cliffs, the water, and me. The air was crisp and cool on my throat. The sun was beating down, warming my whole body. I felt content. No... I felt alive.

I've mentioned before how I wasn't loving London as much as I had hoped. And I'm realizing now... London isn't my dream city. I've thought it was for as long as I can remember. I'm not a big city girl like I thought I was. Ireland is my happy place.

Though I'm learning to adjust to living in London more and more everyday, it's more of "home base" for me, as Lexi called it. I live there. I study there. I do stuff there. But, I don't think it's my "fit." And I'm happy Ireland was able to solidify that for me.

I've already learned so much about myself these past few weeks. And I'm finally accepting that. It's okay for me to not be entirely thrilled with where I am. And, obviously, I'm not taking advantage of it in the slightest. I don't regret my decision... but because it's taught me about myself.

Standing on those cliffs... looking out at the stretch of sparkling blue water, watching the waves crest and build and break against the rocks... spilling out into foam and being pulled back into the abyss... I realized that this is living. This freedom. This beauty... these are the moments in life that people cherish. I will never, ever forget my time on the cliffs.

I will never forget driving through the Irish countryside, marvelling at the beauty nestled in these tiny, winding roads. The warming feeling of seeing baby lambs, trotting through fields.

I will never forget Galway, and the tiny, Irish shops packed on top of each other filled with beautiful, crafted objects.

I will never forget the bachelor party and drunk Frenchmen we befriended at O'Neil's... learning Gaelic and clapping along to the dancers, just living in the moment.

I will never forget the kindness of the Irish. The acceptance I felt being there. I felt complete.

This isn't an hate letter to England in any means. It truly is a wonderful country... I just need to leave the city and see what else it has to offer me.

Ireland was the happiest I've been in a month. I've been gone for a month. My parents will be here in 2 weeks... and then spring break... and then a little under 50 days. Time is flying. I'm learning to take things day by day.

This weekend taught me so many things about life, learning, and existing. I am so blessed to be living this life.

Here's to Ireland -- you've changed me. Thanks for being happy, drunk, and unconditionally welcoming.

Some kinda sad thoughts

Today I feel weird. I wasn't going to blog feeling like this, but I think I need to start documenting how I feel during this trip more. 

I've been in such a weird mood today. I'm thinking about how everyone has those "excited" moments in their host country when they get there. Pure exuberance. Happiness. Enthrallment. I've yet to have it.  

I think I over-hyped London. I've been obsessed with it for as long I can remember. Everything. The culture. The films. The shows. The music. The literature. And it's letting me down. I had this over-romanticized idea of London since 8-year-old Abby cracked open Harry Potter. 

I'm not really "happy" here. More So just enduring it. And I'm annoyed at myself. I'm annoyed that I thought I wouldn't be homesick. And that I can do well with distances. And new cultures. And change. And all of that. And I'm wrong. 

I wish I could be that person who is in love with everything they're doing during their study abroad experience cause I'm not. I have a few days/moments when I love London. But not enough. Or not enough from what I think I'm supposed to be feeling. 

I don't regret coming. Please don't read this as whiny or ungrateful. I am so blessed and lucky to have this opportunity. I know there's millions of people who would kill for this opportunity. 

I just wish I was feeling more happy. I miss my parents. And friends. And dog. And American food. And pittsburgh. And Oakland. 

I've also been in a weird mood today. So that might be why I'm feeling like this. Also the weather has been kinda crappy. 

Hopefully I will feel better when the sun starts shining more. 

I know I'll love London eventually. And I'm excited to hit that point. 

I HATE BIKES

Helloooooo!!

Mother keeps asking me to update the blog, so here I am. So much has happened since I posted last! For one, I WENT TO PARIS? And that was crazy amazing beautiful. Like, absolutely beautiful. We got up super early and made our way to the international train station and hopped onto the Eurostar and 2 hours later (after going UNDER the English Channel -- cool, engineering!) I stepped onto French soil.

Paris was cool. Very cool. The first night was my oh my god, I'm in PARIS night. We had a really extensive walking tour after checking into our hotel and it was COLD. But I saw so much! In particular, Notre Dame. I can't explain the feeling I had being in that church. I was overwhelmed. I started tearing up simply from the sheer beauty of it. It was massive and so beautifully painted, and the ambiance was so sacred and holy, I felt so special in that moment. There were older women in the pews sitting with their head bowed, lost in prayer. That, matched with people lighting small tea-light candles in honor of loved ones no longer with us, tipped me off the emotionally stable cliff. It honestly was an unexplainable feeling.

We then took a boat tour on the Seine and it was amazing. When I saw the Eiffel Tower for the first time... yep, I started crying... again. It was just so incredible to see it in person. Like... absolutely amazing. Then, as our boat swivelled around, the Eiffel Tower lit up! It was amazing! We also went to the Louve and I saw good 'ol Mona!

We wrapped up some more tours. Then. Oh, then. The next day. We had a bike tour. I have not rode a bike since I was... oh, I don't know... NINE maybe? So 11 years ago? And I'm afraid of bikes... so I learned. CAPA promised that this bike tour was for "all levels." WRONG. So WRONG. I almost DIED. I went OFF-ROADING. I FELL OFF A SIDEWALK. The bike was too big for me so I had to ride a pink and blue bike with a sticker that said PUKEY on it. IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT SO MUCH. I STARTED CRYING. Not because of beauty BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED. This MAN took all 30 of us (in my group... there was 3 groups) onto the BUSY STREETS OF PARIS. Riding next to ANGRY PARISIANS and HUGE TRUCKS. ALSO on busy sidewalks with fashionable grandmas and annoying children on SCOOTERS. And I don't understand how bikes work so I was on the wrong gear the WHOLE TIME. And this stupid freaking bane of my existence tour lasted for FOUR HOURS. I WAS SO ANGRY AT PARIS. But yeah, some girl stopped her stupid bike right in front of me and I had to veer off the sidewalk onto the cobblestone next to the road and I almost flipped off AND I WILL NEVER RIDE A BIKE AGAIN.

We also went to Versailles, and that was amazing. Naturally. I'm sorry these aren't so descriptive, but this was a week ago and I'm tired and I'm lazy. What're ya gonna do.

But, Paris wasn't what I thought it was going to be. By Sunday, I was ready to go back "home..." to London. The trip made me embrace London a lot more. I was very stressed and felt guilty by not speaking French in Paris. I felt safer in London after returning from notoriously famous pick-pocketing Paris. I don't know. It was really nice to come back to London. I felt excited to explore London and start living.

So, that's what I'm doing! I love London now. Sure, it's not, nor will it ever be "home" but I'm so happy I like it now. I hated London at first. I had this romanticised idea of it since I was 8. It obviously is not what I thought it would be. But, I'm finally getting used to everything. I have a system. And plenty of countdowns on my phone.

I'm going to Ireland next weekend! That's going to be exciting. And my parents will be here in 3 weeks! It's flying by. I knew it would eventually. I understand now what everyone means by studying abroad is a "life changing" experience. I feel so different. I've learned so much about myself and my likes and dislikes and what essentially is "me." I feel more myself than I ever have had before.

It's getting warmer here and it's making me feel like London is a whole new city. No more cold, dreary, sad days. With a day like today -- sun beating down, making the whole of Regents Park glisten with budding spring -- I feel more confident. I know I can get through these 70+ days here. SO much more is going to happen!

So, yep. London is getting better!  Lex and I skyped our friend Kelsey today (who then went into Starbucks to see Gabrielle and then we saw Kelly in the street!!) and it made me miss Oakland SOOOOO much. So much. But I know Oakland is going to be there when I get back. And so will my friends. And my family. And everything will be fine!

So, that's what's going on with me! Classes keep me busy Monday - Thursday. Then the weekends, we cram so much in. Friday we did a pub crawl that was full of fun and dancing and LIVE MUSIC. Like, two bands we stumbled upon! Super fun! The last stop on the crawl was this club called Koko and there was this really cool dude singing and we ended up first row cause that's just how me and Lexi run shows... and yeah... it was so nice. I had a lot of fun. Saturday, we went to these huge, massive mall complex and the chilled the rest of the night. Then today we just walked around a park. Super relaxed! First weekend like that since I've been here!

I'm sorry this is so scatter-brained but I'm listening to Sam Smith while texting Danielle (hey, bae) so not really thinking straight.

ALRIGHT. Well, my wrist hurts from the angle I'm typing. So, that's all from London for now!

Lots of love!

xoxo