THE ULTIMATE PRIZE

Okay, so, did you ever hear of Radio Disney? Duh. Well, I used to be a GIANT Disney Channel freak. I mean this was a serious addiction. I fawned over all the Disney queens: Raven, Hilary, Tia and Tamara--they were the original divas. (I still fawn over said Divas. As well as the current Divas, i.e. Miley, Selena, Demi, etc. I CAN'T HELP IT.) Well, I listened to Radio Disney constantly and the life goal of 8-year-old Abby was to win the Ultimate Prize. Well, that's what I called it. I'm sure it was actually named something like, "RADIO DISNEY'S AWESOME ROCKIN' FUNTASTICALLY COOL SUMMER TOYFEST KALABOOMPALOOZA WITH ERNIE D."

But one prize, the Ultimate Prize, was a driving hunger in me. I lusted after it. Needed it. Ever ounce of me knew that the prize belonged with me. I would be able to do anything if I won that Ultimate Prize. I contemplated the things an 8-year-old could accomplish with the Ultimate Prize. Anything. Feed a million dogs, grow a Hippolephant (Hippo/elepephant. Can you imagine the size of that thing?) The world was mine for the taking with the Ultimate Prize. What was it you ask? The Ultimate prize was 10 minutes to throw as much as your grubby child hands can grab into a cart. And it was all yours.

THINK ABOUT IT. You have TEN MINUTES in Toys R Us to grab WHATEVER you want! Find a child who doesn't want that, and I will call them a loser. (Well... maybe not, I'm Abby Stubenbort not Abby Lee Miller) I would want that prize NOW. I literally had dreams about that prize. It's all I wanted.

I had a system for how it would operate. It would be conducted in a series of five stages, each stage pertaining to a different section of the store. I would have an army of helpers (breaking the rules because I'm Abby Stubenbort) to help me along the way and accomplish things I couldn't do, such as pushing carts, using grown-up legs to walk faster, using longer arms to reach things 8-year-old Abby (or 18-year-old Abby) couldn't reach.

Stage one was adjusted to how Toys R Us was when I was a child. When you first walked in, to the immediate right was the plush animal section. This was young Abby's favorite part of the store. I gazed longingly at all the cuddly toys, wanting to be squeezed and fluffed by me. One in particular I had my hazel orbs locked on was that giant pink unicorn with the sparkly collar. This thing was gigantic. I could probably lay across it now comfortably. Granted, that's not saying much. Every time we went to Toys R Us I had to go stroke its soft, silky fur and intertwine my fingers through its full mane. Then my mom would be all, "ABIGAIL," and I'd be all, "Oh my god, mom, you're cramping my swag," and storm away.*

The second stage was the outdoor toys section. When I was a kid, I think my parents thought I secretly belonged to a wolf pack because I was never inside. I woke up at 8 in the morning and went outside, came in only when I had to use the bathroom and when I thought I was going to topple over from lack of food. Within the small section of my street, there were about 10 kids, and my neighbor was a baby-sitter. Our kickball games were ACTUALLY THE BEST (except when they would get stuck in the trees and I'd try to climb a tree to get the ball but actually only made it up the massive trunk 4 inches from the ground.) Moving on, back to relevance, the outdoor section was located just past the superhero section adjacent to the plush animals. I would hit there and instruct my minions to gather only the biggest, and baddest of water guns, the most expensive of chalk, and please, no generic scooters--only Razor would get the job done.

Stage three is where things got a bit more tricky. If you traveled further north up the store, you began to run into Babies R Us, and the arts and crafts part of the store. Since I was not a baby, and to this day cannot cut in a straight line, I had to throw the operation into reverse, and start backwards again. I had to cut to the right, just before the super hero section, because that took me to an aisle that led me straight to Bratz Doll paradise. After reaching the destination, it was much easier: The packaging of the dolls were bulky and able to be grabbed in an abundance, therefore, one quick sweep of my arm down the row into the cart would successfully complete stage three.

Stage four was my favorite stage, aside from my stuffed animalgasm. Here be dragons. No, really. There were dragons right here because we have reached the video game section. This area was parallel to the dolls, so I planned it just right. I only needed the Playstation and GameBoy Advance section, so I did not have to venture far into the aisles. However, in order to achieve maximum game retrieving, I had to put my army to work, but of course they could not help me out fully, because they don't know what games I wanted. So I made of things that I wanted and I not want.

1. Anything with animals. That you don't kill

2. Spyro, Crash Bandicoot, and Mario were always okay.

3. No blood, because ew.

4. No boring games where you have to do a tutorial. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME?

5. Nothing with cars, except racing games. But only Mario.

6. If the case was pink, it was an automatic buy.

7. If the case had camoflouge, even if it followed an aforementioned rule, it had to be replaced.

8. No doll games. I had physical dolls.

9. No games where they don't speak English. (Too young for Simlish. That stage comes at pre-teen)

10. and finally, no Tetris.

Once this list was observed and scrutinized (beforehand, of course) stage four would commence properly.

Stage five was the final countdown. I needed to swing the ship around, and bring it back up north, near the front of the store. Right in front of the cash registers was the candy section. Here, young children could hack and gnaw at a variety of sugar laden treats that would ensure their wearing of braces in their early teen years. Depending on how much time was left, this part could have failed, or been a huge success. This part was simple. I would start singscreaming Aaron Carter's (what a dreamboat he was in that Lizzie McGuire episode) hit song, "I WANT CANDY" and they would start swarming around me, tossing candy bags haphazardly into the car. All candy was acceptable except the gummy tarantulas. WHO would eat those? The rules of the prize was that you had to report back at the doors when 10 minutes were up, so with 5 seconds remaining, we'd bolt to the doors, roughly 50 meters in front of us, and I'd climb on top of my toy mountain, perching like the demon princess child I was.

I was trapped in such a delusional idea that this was the ticket to my happiness. I called the station an irrational amount of time, and helplessly, I wrote to Raven on her section of the Disney Channel site, seeing if she could help a sister out. I guess she didn't see it in my future, because A. homegirl never wrote me back, and B. I never won. I sulked for minutes every time a winner was announced. Stupid Ernie D.

And you know what, 18-year-old Abby would love the same prize.

So, this is my call to you, Toys R Us. Let this big, bad teenager come play with you for a bit.

You'll never be the same.

Stay beautiful.

xx

A

*this was ten years ago so please don't thing dialogue is verbatim. 

(this was an edited repost from a blogpost I wrote 2 years ago)